So after two years I finally decided it was O.K. to get some baby stuff. I have been putting it off because I really didn't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed as each month went by. But I am feeling very certain that next month we will finally see our little girls picture.


So after I dropped Reegan off at Preschool, I headed strait to Wal-Mart to get some of the things that are on our list to take for our trip to China. My feelings were the same as when I found out I was pregnant with both of my biological children. I am happy,,, actually giddy with excitement to be going into the baby department.

I arrive with my list and pen... The baby department was very busy .. with lots of mom's to be walking around. I found a few things ... some undershirts, baby shampoo stuff like that.

Then BAM!!! it hits me! Suddenly I feel like a fraud around all these other woman who are pregnant. I feel like I am an old barren woman just longing to have had a child but can't and just wonder's around the baby department looking at baby stuff. This was the worst feeling ever... in the past I was always pregnant when I went shopping.. and I was usually showing so other people could see that there was a good reason for me to be buying baby stuff.

It didn't feel real... I felt like I was pretending ... It was a horrible feeling and I wanted it to go away fast. I just wanted everyone in there to know that I was Paper Pregnant. That I was going to be a New mom.. I had just as much right to be there as all the pregnant women did.

I am not sure if this feeling is a normal one for mother's who are adopting. Maybe because I have actually been pregnant and this is so different it felt so strange. I really don't know. The feeling did pass and I truly hope it never returns.

Now being true to the woman inside of me this feeling DID NOT prevent me from the task at hand. I did manage to get some of the things on the list.

I also started to go through Reegan's old cloths to see if I had any small sizes put away. I had given some away over the years. It appears the I have NOTHING!!! the smallest size I could find was 2T. I am unsure about sizes because I assume she will be between 10 and 12 months in age, but I have heard that the babies are typically smaller then our little ones.

So that was my first day baby shopping, I will not give up... I will endeavour to go out again and spend more of my husband hard earned money.. I will enjoy swiping that card along the card reader... I will take pride in the fact that I can still see my toes! I will relish in the fact that I don't have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom because the baby is lying on my bladder... I AM PAPER PREGNANT and proud of it.!!!!!